A Different Kind of Hunger: Day Six: Excess

Please excuse my humble attempt at poetry. If you want to read good poetry, visit my friend Lance Schaubert. This is just an expression of ideas and feelings that have been running through my head the last few days.

Tomorrow, the seventh and final day of my fast, I will take a Sabbath from writing. I do plan on writing a follow-up within a few days.



Excess

Slowly stagger drunkenly
From golden arches' plenty
Venti frapiccino now
Thirty pounds overweight. How?

Clothes make the man so they say
The best deals found on Ebay
Ralph Lauren. Guess, Armani
Prada, Chanell, Versace.

All the cool kids use Apple
Macbook or status symbol
Don't drive Chevy, Lexus please
Soon increasing interest fees.

A thousand commercials speak
So you can't hear yourself think
Beyond not empty stomach
Or plastic in your wallet.



Few have stopped to learn this thing
Beauty is in suffering
Glory follows agony
Pain begets a symphony.

Homeless man, why so happy?

Without all of this plenty

No shirt no shoes no service

No place to rest. Like Jesus.

Less is more and more is less
Can we leave all this excess
And learn to love the simple
Find hope while we are able.

It's not too late.

Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. - James 1:9-10

Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.” - Luke 12:15

A Different Kind of Hunger: Day Five: It's Not About Me

Today wasn't a great day. 
As I type, I'm nursing a headache I've had for at least three hours now. I don't really feel hungry, but every time someone mentions food, I actually feel the vacancy in my stomach for a couple seconds. This evening, I yelled at my daughter for a minor infraction. I had to apologize to her later. I just feel cranky and tired. 

Fasting is not a magic shield against life. It actually makes life more real, the good and the bad. It's like removing the tented lens you've always looked through. Sunsets are more beautiful and sacred. Traffic is more annoying. 

I think we sometimes think God owes us something because we fast or do other acts of worship toward him. As if my fasting does anything for God. It does not benefit Him in any way. He does not owe me any special blessing or shield against trouble because I fast.

On the contrary, I owe God everything. 
He provided the air I breath and the ground I walk on. He provided the water I drink. He gave me a family that loves and supports me. He saw fit that I should get in on the mystery that is Jesus, and be a part of Jesus' family.  He has given me grace in so many situations, forgiving my trespasses, and giving me hope for the future. 

As with any act of worship, I am not the center. Fasting is not about me. It doesn't really matter if I feel good about it, if I feel blessed. It only matters that I focus myself upon the One who deserves my attention, and through this worship, align my life to give a small token back to him. Fasting is a small token.

 I am not more Godly because I fast. I fast because I am not more Godly.

A Different Kind of Hunger: Day 4: Really Living

Jesus came that we would have life to the full (John 10:10) But most of us don't actually live out much of this life. We sacrifice really living for comfort and safety.

Today I ran a 5K (3.1 miles) with my five year old son, Levi. He came in third in the 19 and under age division (which has nothing to do with my  point today, but I have to brag a little). I drank a little broth and juice and I feel surprisingly fine. Although the race was fairly easy for me, because I ran with Levi and not to compete, I still got those feelings I always get about 200 meters into a race. That thought enters my mind for just a second. This is hard. Why am I doing this? I'd rather be sitting on my couch watching football and stuffing my face with Cheetos than running a race.

Comfort is easy, especially for Americans. Most of us have the access to comfort and safety most of the time. Even if you have a  physically challenging job, you can still come home, sit in the easy chair, turn on the TV and live in relative comfort. Safety is also not too difficult. Our society is so obsessed with safety, that it takes a conscious choice to do anything that would put yourself in any kind of jeopardy. Comfort and Safety are easy, but they aren't living.

During the last four days of my fast, there are many times I had thoughts similar thoughts to what went through my mind during the race. This is hard. Why am I doing this. I'd much rather be eating whatever I am smelling right now than fasting. The answer I give myself is this. I can eat anytime I want. I have spent my whole life eating, and will spend the rest of my life eating. Why would I waste the opportunity to experience a seven day fast at least once in my life? I've experienced full many times. Now I get to experience hunger. I've experienced indulgence many times. For once I get to experience restraint. This is really living.

Far too many give up on really living for the sake of safety and comfort. They never experience the beauty of a 20 mile hike, the accomplishment of finishing a marathon, the satisfaction of giving sacrificially to help those in need, the joy of learning to discipline their bodies. There is a world of amazing experiences out there. None of them are easy. Most of them are worth it. If you want to follow Jesus, live life to the full.

A Different Kind of Hunger: Day Three: A Steady Stream

Three Days.
This is now the longest fast I have ever done. 

I felt nauseous and weak this morning. I took a little juice mixed with water, and was soon feeling pretty normal. I felt ok most of the day and didn't feel too hungry until dinner time, even though I went to two birthday parties.  As the afternoon wore on I began feeling some gas pain in my abdomen. I also felt colder than normal, and a bit more irritable at the kids.

Megan got the kids pizza ($3.99 large at Dominos, what a deal!). When I smelled the pizza I knew that pizza was the answer to all my problems. It would make me happy, and full. It would make all my pain go away. Pizza would give me instant energy. It would even make me love my children more. Pizza is life!

This morning I read the account of Jesus fasting for 40 days in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke. It seems like Jesus went into the wilderness in order to be tempted. Fasting is not a magic shield against temptation and fleshly desire. In fact, the fasting directly led to Satan's first big temptation - break the fast. Use your Jesus powers to make bread and eat it. After all, you know you can.

I don't have Jesus powers to make stone into bread, but I have the power to eat. My house is full of food. There are dozens of restaurants and stores within a mile of my house to go get a hot meal. Maybe that's why Jesus went to the wilderness to fast. In fact, The only people the Bible mentions doing a 40 day fast (Moses Elijah, and Jesus) did so in the wilderness alone. Might be something to that.

I love how Jesus answered Satan. The reason he didn't break his fast - "Man does not live on bread alone." He knew bread could satiate his hunger, but it could not satisfy all his needs. He could not abandon the greater need to satisfy the lesser.

Here's how The Message puts it, "It takes more than bread to stay alive. It takes a steady stream of words from God’s mouth.” (Matt 4:4) I've been trying to meditate on these words throughout the day.

We think we can't live one day without food, which is false, but we think hearing God's voice is optional. Maybe on Sunday, or whenever we get to it. We have it backwards. We need a steady stream of words from God. We need it more than food. And when we miss it we are missing a big part of life.

Oh how I want to get to the point where a day without hearing from God, without meditating on his words leaves me feeling the hunger I feel today. My aim is to want to be with God more than I want a hot cheesy slice of pizza. Every once in a while I am there for a few brief moments. Those are the best moments.


If you want to know a more complete story of my journey into fasting. Check out the rest of the series.
A Different Kind of Hunger
Day One: Feelings
Day Two: Waking up Hungry

A Different Kind of Hunger: Day Two: Waking up Hungry

All hunger is not the same.

Today I woke up feeling genuinely hungry, the hungriest I remember feeling in recent history. At the same time, I felt so nauseous that I was sure anything entering my body would be immediately expelled. Throughout the day my hunger grew and faded. At times I became engrossed in whatever I was doing and I felt no hunger at all. Other times I felt a dull ache. A few times when circumstance forced me to see and smell food, the hunger was almost overpowering.

I wasn't truly in need of food any more when I saw and smelled it than when my mind was on something else? I think most of our  "hunger" is a perception. We see food and think we need it. I feel no hungrier now as I type this than I did after missing my first breakfast.

Today I was reading from "Simplicity: Essays" by Joshua Fields Milburn and Ryan Nicodemus. They explain how we think we need something because we see others have it. We don't actually need any of it, but the feeling that we do can be overpowering.  It got me thinking about the things I covet. They are many.

I actually have everything I need. I am well stocked.  I have an adequate place to live with all the necessary furnishings, a car that works. I have a guitar that I enjoy playing, books I enjoy reading. More than durable goods, I have a supportive family, great friends, and opportunities to do things I love. I am truly blessed. I need nothing.

So why I am I hungry for more things? Why do I wish I made more more? Why am I not content with my abundance?  My desire for things is just as much a perception as my desire for food. That is not to say I don't need things. We all need certain things. We need shelter, we need companionship. We need food. But we often grossly exaggerate how much we need these things.

But there are things we need. There is a deeper hunger that needs to be satisfied. It has nothing to do with food or cars or TVs or clothes. That is what I am trying to figure out how to fill. When I do, I will truly understand how man can live, not on bread alone, but every word that comes from the mouth of God.

A Different Kind of Hunger: Day One: Feelings

I Don't Feel Like Fasting Today

I woke up with a headache. Not the caffeine withdrawal headache I will experience later. Just a regular headache that happens to coincide with my first day of fasting. Then the kids were crazier than usual. I barely got them out the door on time to catch the bus. I know I will get more irritable after missing a meal or two, but I was already irritable before I missed anything. I don't think today is a good day to begin a fast. Maybe I should just put it off for a few days.

I have actually been putting off this fast for a while anyway. I really felt a conviction to do it a couple months ago. But it is never a good time to start a fast. There is always that dinner or family event coming up in a couple of days. Some days I don't feel up to it physically. I don't want to deprive my body if I have the sniffles. And some days I just don't want to. Wait... that's every day.

I've always thought you have to have the right attitude and motivation to begin a fast. After all, it's what's in your heart that counts more than the outward act. So I thought that if I wasn't feeling "into it" or feeling "spiritual" then I should just skip fasting. Not long ago, I broke a one day fast after a couple of hours because I just wasn't feeling it.  Why go through the motions if my heart isn't there? But I have discovered I never "feel it" especially on a day I have determined to fast.

So I wander if I should listen to something besides my feelings. I could start with the Bible. People in the Bible fasted. Sometimes it was required, like on the Day of Atonement. Jews still keep this fast. I wonder how many of them don't feel like it. But people fasted at other times too. Moses fasted for 40 days, as did Elijah and Jesus. Paul fasted for three after seeing a vision of Jesus. Nehemiah fasted when he heard the news of the state of Jerusalem. David fasted many times, even for his enemies (Psalm 35:13). I wonder if their hearts were always in it when they fasted. Did they at some point say "I don't really feel like fasting today," but still fasted?

Maybe feelings follow actions. I know they say that about marriage. Keep loving and serving your spouse even when you don't like them, and eventually your feelings will catch up. I wonder if I keep this fast, will I eventually feel better about it? More importantly, what will happen to my feelings for God? Will giving up food to draw close to God make me love Him more? Will I appreciate Him more? Will I feel closer to Him? Will I be more willing to lay down my life for Him?

A Different Kind of Hunger

There is an inherent danger in writing a post like this. 

As Jesus said, “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven ." (Matt 6:1)  I am doing an outwardly righteous act and telling everyone about it. Well not everyone, but at least my 10 to 12 loyal readers. The danger is, that I would fast to impress all of you, and therefore lose any spiritual benefit I might receive.

Rest assured, I did not decide to fast with any of you in mind. Writing about it was more of an afterthought. I am fasting because this is what I need in this stage of my spiritual journey. 

I lack self control. When I have and itch I scratch it. I mean this literally (Stop scratching yourself!) as well as figuratively. If I think of food I eat something. If I think of TV, I watch something. Whenever I'm tired I rest. Whenever life gets too hard, I back away. I have no stamina to suffer. I have no will to deny my base desires. And I think there are a lot of others like me.

There is far too little talk about fasting in our day. It is a forgotten discipline. I know a number of Christians who have told me they have never fasted.  It's not just that we don't practice the discipline that Jesus and the Apostles, and nearly every notable role model in the Bible practiced. Our lack of fasting is indicative of a bigger problem, a lifestyle that lacks restraint. 

We live in a culture of excess. There are fast food restaurants on every corner. Stores and credit card companies implore us to buy whatever our hearts desire without waiting. We surf an internet full of images sure to satisfy every sexual desire with the click of a mouse. But with all this, we find we are not satisfied at all. We have a different kind of hunger that money and sex and food will not satisfy.

And that is why I write. I do not write as the spiritual guru who has it all together. I am a fellow traveler. Learn from my experience, both the good and the bad. In the end, perhaps my journey will inspire others down this road as well. And if it does, then I will indeed receive my reward from my Father in heaven.

I have never done anything like this before. I have fasted for a day or two many times, or more frequently a meal or two. I am mildly hypoglycemic, so I am allowing myself some diluted juice as needed to complete my normal routine. Other than that, I plan to just drink water.

Today I am beginning a seven day fast. I will write a post each day to reflect on what I have experienced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Thank you for accompanying me on my journey. I am excited to see what God will do.